Memories, emotions and dance through music

I recently completed a list of my all time favorite songs.

There are way to many to list. This got me to thinking

about music and the impact it has on my life. Which

lead me to journaling to add to my list.

Here is what I write in the journaling.

 

I have always loved music.

Both listening and singing along.

Music for me holds memories and feelings.

It is a way for to express myself when the words aren't there.

 

I would love it if my life could be an endless Glee show.

I could have a group of spirited singers with me all day

that would burst out into song through out the day.

We would sing together with passion through the days

struggles and joys. 

 

When the kids are at school and it is a day I will be home I like

to grab my phone, plug in headphones and listen to Pandora.

I have three different stations for different moods.

I have A Thousand Years Radio for my more quieter times or

just need some easy listening. Glee Radio for when I am moving

about doing laundry or cleaning. The third one is Pop and hip hop

workout for when I go running or need to break out some dance moves.

If I put my headphones on I am always sure to lock the front door so

I am not caught belting out songs at the top of my lungs.

 

Music also has a way to bring up emotions.

It can bring me to tears as I go back to a time in my life

that was really hard or special.  I have two songs that always come

right to my mind that can have me in tears. The first is I Promise

You by N'SYNC.  I can not get through this song with out tears pouring

down my face. This song takes me back to when I was 18, a senior in

high school and pregnant.  I would drive to work, this song would come on

the cd I had in. With tears streaming down my face I would sing this song to

my daughter with a hand on my round belly. I knew I loved her so much already

and wanted her to know that no matter what I would be there for her.

 

The second song Just a Dream by Nelly also takes me back to me

in the car. This time I am driving down the freeway to go be with

my sister and preemie nephew in the NICU. The song came

on and I was singing along and it got towards the end to

a verse that says "If you ever loved some body puts your hands up.

Now they're gone and you're wishing you could give them everything"

This made my start bawling and I still do every time I hear it because it

takes me back to that moment and those feelings. My sister had recently

given birth to twins at 25 weeks. My little nephew Carter gave this world

his best  try but his little body just wasn't able. I felt so sad

for her and the loss of my nephew Carter. I wanted so badly for there to

be something that I could do for her to take away her hurt and loss.  To

have my nephew back in her arms to fill that empty void. But there was

nothing I could do but be with her and Cohen. So I drove on, singing

and crying on the freeway.

 

Music is something that is special to me.

It holds so many memories and has helped work through

frustrations, hard ache, helped me celebrate and express my feelings.

I will never tire of listening, remembering good times and the not so good,

singing my heart out, and getting my dance groove on.

No matter your mood, thoughts or feelings there is a song.

 

 



I don't get it

Michelle is entering the years of  "tween"hood.

More drama with friends. 

Peer Pressure.

Ect.

I am in disbelief with what Michelle came home and told me Monday.

The new "cool" thing to do is to cut yourself.

CUT YOURSELF to be "cool"

I just don't get what goes through these girl's heads.

They are still kids.

Should be playing with dolls and braiding each other's hair.

These are girls in the 5th grade.

I was already worried about her going to the middle school next year

now I am terrified.

Apparently these girls do it together and from talk I guess they do it at the skating rink!

One friend even was showing off her cut to other girls.

Michelle said that is gross and ewwww.

she got made fun of for that.

How does this happen?

I am so glad she is able to talk to us about what goes on at school and with her friends.

I know this is something she would never do.

She like me hates blood.

But to think the length these kids will go to be "cool", accepted, and fit in is mind blowing.

The only good thing about this it has brought up the

 opportunity to talk to Michelle about peer pressure.

That she doesn't have to do what everyone else it doing.

If you for a second think something is a bad idea or you don't want to do it then it probably is.

Don't do it.

Walk away.

These girls are harming themselves and their bodies.

They are leaving life long marks on their body.

What will they tell people when they are 30 about the markings on their arm.

I hate that as an adult we can see the big picture.

As kids they just see the now.

Michelle does have a good head on her shoulders.

And all our talks, lecturing, and sometimes yelling seems to get through.

She does make smart choices now to not get involved in this stuff

and tell us about what is going with her friends and classmates.

But how long will that last until she finally gives in to peer pressure. 

If it is not cutting herself then what smoking, alcohol, partying, drugs, or picking on others?

The list is endless.

It just shows how important it is to be involved with your kids.

Spend that time with them one on one.

"force" them to hang out with the family and not always with their friends.

Have boundaries and rules.

We meet her friends.

We talk to their parents too.

Yes I am usually the most "mean" involved mom.

I make her call when she gets somewhere, when she is leaving, 

she has to check in every few hours, no she can't just go where ever, when ever she wants,

 and I need to know who she is with.

It seems kids her age have all this freedom and limited parent involvement.

No one seems to want to tell their kids NO or 

bother finding exactly what they are doing or going.

Sometimes I end being the parent for several girls at time because their parents will say things like

Well is Michelle's mom says its ok then you can.

Or if Michelle can go then you can.

If you don't want your child doing something then tell them yourself.

Be the parent.

Kind of a long rant but I just don't understand what this world is coming too.

Things have changed so much since I was her age.

Girls are growing up way to fast.

Be involved with your kids.

Talk to them.

Let them know they can talk to you.

Pray everyday for them!

Tell them NO if you don't feel comfortable with a situation.

And you may have to make them hang out with the family

 but at least you know where they are and what they are doing.

I am definitely going to continue to be the involved parent

and she will be hearing NO a lot in the next 7 years!

If it means she is get safe and hopefully out of trouble then I can be "mean".

Really brings to light what you put your own parents through.

They always tell you wait until you have your own kids.

Now I do and it is hard.

But parent now and friend later.

Say what?!

I honestly am truly blessed!

Here's one of the reasons why!

Last Tuesday my mom and I were texting back and forth.

Then I got a text that read Chuck got a job and cancelled on Hawaii.

Wanna go?

My reply was are you serious??!!

Of course I was screaming YES in my head.

I knew I could make it work.

But then I started thinking about it a little more and I started to feel guilty.

I know that Josh has been under a lot of stress with his job right now.

He has been working so hard to meet the demands that his job has.

I felt it was unfair for me to go take a week long break when I know he could really use one too.

I knew he would be jealous that I got to go and he had to stay behind.

Not only would he be working but taking on the kids before and after work too.

I wanted to know he was ok with me going and not something that would cause problems with us.

As the morning went on things were not going my way.

A child got sick and threw up on the carpet.

I got a speeding ticket on the way to pick up Jordan for his field trip.

With that I decided you know what I don't think it is my time to go.

Now I have to pay this stupid ticket.

I was at peace with my decision.

When Josh came home for lunch I told all what I was thinking.

He was like you know I was thinking about it and you should go.

You deserve it.

I told him I was at peace with my decision that 

I thought God was telling me that I needed to be home for him.

I would rather have a happy marriage with him then a very happy, relaxing week in Hawaii.

So we didn't really talk about anymore.

On Wednesday he flew to Arizona for work.

Thursday I got a text from my mom asking if I wanted to meet for coffee after I dropped off Jordan.

She said she got a text from Josh saying he wanted me to go and that my mom should get me to go.

I told the reasons I had said no.

But if he is ok with it and really wants me to go I will.

I just needed to know that he was ok with me going so I could fully enjoy myself.

So now I am officially going to Hawaii in 2 weeks!!!

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

I am super excited.

We will be there for one full week!

{ photo from Hilton Hawaiian Village Waikiki Beach Resort where we will be staying}

One week of.......

Laying by the pool

Laying by the beach

relaxing

reading

taking pictures

blogging

catching up on computer projects on the 6 hour flight

Can't say it enough that I am truly blessed with the most amazing family!

I am blessed with.....

 an amazing brother {Chuck} who is graduating from school with a degree in welding 

and has already got himself a job out at BP.
 I am very proud of him!
I am also thankful he is okay with me going on his trip!

an amazing mom who loves her kids and grand kids so much.
She wanted to celebrate a great accomplishment in her son's life.
Now she gets to spend a full week with her wonderful daughter.
I am so blessed that she wanted to share this trip with me!  

an amazing husband {Josh} who knows how much I need this trip and is happy for me to go.
He is going to hold the fort down at home for me on top of working.
 I know that is a hard job to....I do it everyday :)

an amazing sister {Jana} who is letting Michelle come to her house everyday after school!
 She also truly blessed me with a gift card to get some toiletries, needed items, and snacks for the trip!

an amazing sister in law {Christine} who is letting Jordan come to her house all week long!
That is the hugest help since he doesn't go to school.

Thank you guys for making this trip possible for me!
I will remember souvenirs for you!

overwhelmed

Do you ever have days were you just feel like you are drowning and just ever get caught up on life. Some days I get overwelmed with all the things I should be doing or lack of doing. The list of chores is a mile long. There are places on that list that haven't been touched in weeks.
There are projects I start with gusto such as project. Eventually I have a week behind which then turns into a month and half. Now thinking about trying to catch up overwelms me. I used to be on top of doing "school" related activities with Jordan. I loved planning them and doing them with him. I still love the planning part and will sometimes spend hours searching for theme related activities. In the end I never end up making the time to do them with. I feel like I have failed in so many areas that I could have done more, been there more, or could have done differently. I really want to get into a routine of daily time with God and his word through devotional and using the notes from church but again I can never find, I guess more make, the quiet time to do so. Then the week passes by I look back at all didn't do and wanted to do and again feel like I failed myself and my family.
Every week I set out to exercise more and eat better. I am lucky if I get to the gym once a week lately. I am lazy and make excuses. I don't why since I always feel better after I do go. And then the week is over and Monday rolls around again and I get mad at myself for not going the last week.
As you may know I am doing a giveaway on my blog. Nothing huge and fancy. But I was so excited to do it to and to give a little gift to someone. To enter you just have to leave a comment saying hi and who you are. I just wanted to know who is out there and reads my blog occasionally. The post has been viewed over 50 times but under 10 people even took the time to say hey. To be honest I am kind of bummed. This was something I was counting down post until I could do it. Ask Josh I was pretty giddy. I guess my feelings are a little hurt that people didn't want to say hi and I enjoy reading your blog. Again, feel like I failed in some way. I am trying to not let this take away from that excitement I had. I did want to hear from readers but even more I wanted to bless someone with a little gift.
I hope I am not the only one who gets in these little funks. I guess that is how I am today in a little funk. I know it will pass but I find I have these days quite often. Just get overwelmed with all the thoughts of things I should and need to do. My solution is then to do nothing and not deal with any of it. Not a good solution I know. It helps to write about it and get it out there. Hopefully, I can start with a few things like laundry and dishes and get rolling from there.

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time well spent

As most of you know I am a stay at home mom.  

So I am home all day with Jordan and Michelle.
I am the woman who does it all.
Cooks, cleans, runs the house, makes sure the kids are doing what they are supposed to be doing, knows who needs what, where they need to be and when, and my name is always being said to answer a question or help with this.
You get the idea.

But lately I have realized that even though I am here and
 present but I don't really spend that much one on one time with the kids.

Like get down on the floor and play, paint finger nails quality time.

 I am usually doing my thing cleaning, cooking, running the house, ect.

Meanwhile they do their thing.

Jordan and I talk all day long and interact.

 I "look" at his latest creation when he asks me too.

I help take his toys up and down the stairs.

I help with homework questions after school with Michelle.

We love watching  snuggle shows in the evenings.

But I rarely stop what I am doing or take a break between tasks to just sit on the floor and play.

I can be a very selfish mommy.

 Always wishing for more time for myself to do what I want to do.

I get time...lots of it...but I am still always wanting more.

I look forward to bed time not because I get to tuck the kids in bed and spent a few moments with them but so I can have uninterrupted time on the computer.

In the end my family is so much more important then any of those things.

 I don't EVER want my kids to think that I never had time for them.

I have all the time for them!

I want to show them that.

This is something I really want to work on.
To just let everything else go for a bit and just enjoy them.

Yesterday I decided the laundry could wait.
I wanted to spend some time with Jordan.

So we played two games of Guess Who, played a game of sorry, and "played" angry birds.

An hour flew by!

It was a lot of fun!

Another View

For Christmas Michelle got a camera from my mom.

She absolutely loves it and is taking after me and documenting life from her view!

Before she would take pics and video on an old phone we had.

I really want her to have the love of documenting life as I do.  I LOVE my pictures and taking them.  I can freeze any moment and forever look back on.

Michelle is at an age where she doesn't really want me following her around taking her picture.  I get lots of "really mom" or "this is so embarrassing".  

As a mom who wants to capture every moment this age makes that difficult.

BUT.....

Now that she has her own camera and takes it with her most places I can get pictures with out being annoying or there. 

 I was looking at the pictures on her camera the other day and she has pics of special moments that I  would have loved to document but wasn't there. Luckily she had hers with her so she got some pictures of holding Cohen and making applesauce with Gramma!

As she becomes a teenager I want her to continue carrying it around with her so I can get a glimpse into her world.

I would love it for it to be a "thing" for us to share for years to come.  

I want to sit around like I do with my mom and sister now and put our pictures in albums.  Share our favorite pictures with one another or ones that make us laugh. 

Talk about that day, time or moment.

I am currently doing project life for keeping our family photos and memories.  I would love to get her started on that now (when pages come back in stock) so it can be something we do together!

Just do it

I am still working on my time management and making better use of my time.  I have improved a little.  I now just shut my computer off it I find I am just hitting refresh on facebook and aimlessly looking at nothing in particular.

Last week before the big snow storm I was all motivated to get up and go to the gym then i used the snow as an excuse to do nothing all last week.  I am watching the current season of biggest loser and there theme is no excuses.  It is so easy to make excuses. I tell myself I will start tomorrow or Monday all the time.  Before I know it has been three weeks and I have been to the gym maybe a totally of 5 times.  Then I feel down on myself and feel like I failed.
Well yesterday I decided I just need to do it!

{fridge motivation-picture taken on phone}

Just because I can't go to the gym doesn't me I am off the hook.
I can still do an exercise video at home.

So I changed into my work out clothes, laced up my shoes, grabbed my weights & water!

I went to netflix since I couldn't find my biggest loser bootcamp dvd.

I wanted to do something kickboxing and found 10 Minute Solution: Kickbox Bootcamp!

It has 5 10 minute sections so you can either do one, pick a few or do all 5!  Since I was in my Just do it quit being lazy spirit I did all 5!

Here is the motivating description from Netflix-

No time to exercise? No problem. Instructor Keli Roberts is your guide through five hyperefficient strengthening and toning workouts inspired by military boot camps -- and each takes only 10 minutes to complete. So do them all or do just one or two … the mix is up to you. Individual segments include "Basic Training," "Ultimate Buns and Thighs," "Arm and Shoulder Sculptor," "Washboard Abs" and "Fat-Burning Blast."

It was tough but not to tough that i just couldn't do any move or I would die. I really liked that it changed up every 10 minutes so i didn't get bored. I started getting a little sore last night especially my legs but today my whole body is sore. It is hard to squat down and climb the stairs! But that is a could thing! Hopefully I can talk myself into doing again tomorrow!

Afterwards I felt happy and proud of myself for finally doing it!  It wasn't time wasted, I was being productive, and doing something I know I need to do!
Working out is NEVER going to be something I enjoy or look forward to doing.  I just need make myself do it because I know it is good for me, I want to be healthy, and afterwards I always am so glad I did.
I just need to take it day to day and everyday find a time to just do it!

Resolutions

I don't usually make resolutions.  Yes there is the excitement of a new year a new me but I don't stick to anything very long.  I always watch what I eat and go to the gym off and on through out the year.  I always make big plans for myself spending hours researching, planning, making lists, and writing things down.  These also usually get pushed to the side and forgotten about.  

Here is a list of the things I am usually trying to improve:

devotions

eating more healthy

exercising more

meal planning

activities with Jordan

organizing

cleaning

read a book

blog

do something with pics-scrapbook/project life/picture frames

When it comes down to it what I really need to do to make all these things work is work on my time management.  It seems like I can get through a day or week and think what have I done with my time.  I usually spend the mornings cleaning, laundry, making meals, cleaning up meals, pay bills, ect.  I am always looking forward to rest time so I have a few minutes of quiet with out running, yelling, mom...mom...mom, he did that, she is looking at me, he touched me, you know the day to day stuff.  I end up wasting time away on the computer with facebook, pinterest, and blog reading.  The afternoons are my real wasted space. I am starting to get tired, looking forward to the evening, and don't have any desire to do much. We do snack, Michelle does homework, Jordan plays, and I kind of float/ space out.  I can usually get myself to do some dishes, fold the laundry in the dryer, get in a few games of hanging with friends, and dinner for kids.  We usually head to the gym around 5:30 and don't get home until close to 7.  Then it is a shower, pjs, and I hit the couch.  I usually stay there until a quick cleaning burst and bed.  

I know I can do way better with my time.  I have less child care kids now so will be having a lot more days of just Jordan and I. I want time management to be my thing I work on this year.  I feel I can get so much more done that I want to do if I use my time better.  I did work on a cleaning schedule so the neglected parts of the house (upstairs) get some attention. I am going to start with that.  If i can get that down to a routine I would love to make a "schedule" for myself to try and follow.  

If i can get a handle on time I feel I can do all the things above and some so I can feel more accomplished at the end of the day.

Kind of rambled on and on but my thoughts for now.