missing you

Tonight I cried and cried for Carter

The song on my ipod came on

I started crying....and crying...and crying

After an hour I still was crying.

I miss him

I feel pain for my sister

I compare pictures 

I cry

and cry

there is no comfort

I just need to cry

I need to miss him

I need to grieve him

I want to see him

I want to hold him

I cry more

Sometimes we just need to cry and it's ok

Just a Dream

It is interesting how songs can make you feel so much emotion and can effect people so differently.  Shortly after Carter passed away I was doing my hair listening to my ipod and the song Just a Dream by Nelly came on and when it got towards the end where he sings 

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up

And now they're gone and you're wishing you could give them everything

Said if you ever loved somebody put your hands up

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up

Now they're gone and you're wishing you could give them everything

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up

And now they're gone and you're wishing you could give them everything

Said if you ever loved somebody put your hands up

If you ever loved somebody put your hands up

Now they're gone and you're wishing you could give them everything

I just started bawling.  I know this song has nothing to do death or family but something about that part just made me think of Jana, Carter, and how I wish this could all be just a dream.  I wish we could go back and things could have turned out differently.  It makes me think of how much I do love my sister.  It makes me think about what if I lost a child and how I could never handle that.  It makes me feel so much hurt for my sister and how I can't possibly imagine what it must be like to lose a child.

Now whenever I hear this song whether I am at home, the gym, in my car, or where ever I sing this part a little louder, I always cry, I stick my hand in the air, and think about Jana and Carter and how much I love them.  I do think about them everyday and some days I just cry for the lose of Carter.  How I will never be able to see him grow along side his brother.  How I will never be able to hold him again, give him kisses, and just stare at him sleeping.

 I was so shocked and then overly excited when Jana came by with the ultrasound pics and they just kept going and going until I realized their was a baby A and a baby B.  Your mind right away starts thinking about matching outfits, cuddling to little wiggly boys, what will they look like as they grow, two more nephews to join the cousins, family pictures, having them over for sleep overs, pretty much you start thinking about how amazing it is going to be to watch them grow!

Carter will forever be a part of our family and will always be remembered.  Jordan and I have conversations about Carter almost daily.  I love having those conversations with him and being able to talk about him.  Though it is sad, Jordan doesn't quite understand it all, and makes long to hold & see him.

Cohen comes home!!!

Thursday, October 14

The day is finally here!!! Cohen is coming home!! Words can not express how excited and happy I am that is he is coming home.  My heart is overflowing with so much love and joy for Jana and Danny that they finally get to bring Cohen home.

  I welled up with tears more then once today with a heart filled with happiness for Jana and Danny! I know they have long awaited for this day even though it is not the way they pictured it.  We all had pictures in our minds of Cohen and Carter coming home together and having two car seats in the back seat as we waited anxiously in the driveway.  I always wonder how they would look side by side in their car seats.   They would have identical little noses, mouths, heads full of new growth hair and ten little long fingers and toes.  I think about Carter all the time. I was one of the few very privileged people who got to hold him, touch his little hands and feet, feel him, talk to him, and forever have that night in my heart.  I will forever think about him and love him.  I can't wait for the day when I see him and hold him again.  I went and visited him this morning, talked to him, brushed leaves from his head stone, and let him know I think of him all the time and love him oh so much.  

After visiting with Carter I dropped Jordan off at preschool and headed to Jana's.  My mom and I kept busy cleaning, putting together picture frames to hang, and decorating!  We got updates from Jana by text  with pictures of Cohen with every city they hit.

{All his stuffed animals excited for his arrival}

{Rocker put together and ready sit in to cuddle, read books, & relax}

{They are here!!!}

{Home at last}

{Jordan seeing Cohen for the first time}

{Trying to wake up to join in all the excitement}

{Jordan watching as we all crowded around Cohen}

{Time to get out}

{First family picture at home together}

{Gramma gets to change his first diaper at home}

{he was very well behaved}

{lunch time after the long ride home}

{Welcome home  Cohen}

We are so excited to have you home Cohen!  I love the fact that I can visit you whenever I want and you are just a two minute drive down the road.  Believe me I will be finding lots of reason to stop by.  I looking forward to watching you grow, taking lots of pics of you, having you over for cousin sleepovers, and babysitting so your mom and dad can go out.  Love you little buddy!

October 3rd - 7th

Monday, October 3rd - Friday, October 7th

Monday

He loves me reading him stories while he eats snack so today I though it would be fun to watch some animated ones on you tube.  He loved Going on a bear hunt by Michael Rosen.

Tuesday

Tomorrow is Josh's birthday but since Wednesday nights are pretty busy for us with Awana for Jordan and Edge for Michelle we decided to celebrate tonight.  We headed in bham for dinner at Boston Pizza.  I dropped off Josh with the kids so I could go pick up his present.

{ His new ipad 2 he got for his birthday}

Wednesday

Happy 28th Birthday Josh!!!

Unfortunately I was not feeling well today.  I started having pain in my stomach last night and when I woke up in the morning it was worse.  I had an antibiotic I was taking but it seemed to make my symptoms worse.  Pain in my right side, lower back, and I had the chills so bad I had to layer up and wear a snuggie.  I still had kids that day and I was telling myself I would tough it out.  That didn't work and I ended up sending kids home early.  Around dinner again it got really worse and the doctor wanted to see me.  Josh was amazing and got the kids dinner, drove me to the doctor, the kids to church, and then back to wait for me.  They ended up giving me a very painful shot and a new prescription and belief I had a kidney infection.  I ended coming home and going straight to bed.  I feel terrible that this happened on Josh's birthday and he had to take care of me and the kids instead of us focusing on him.

Thursday

Not to much excitement today.  I spent the day recovering on the couch.  Jordan went to preschool and then Gramma's for the day.  Across the street the corn choppers were busy working and Jordan was hooked!

My mom texted me these pictures!  

She wrote, "The neighbor is cutting his corn.  Jordan is sitting in a lawn chair next to the road watching the chopping and all the wagons go by.  He wants to eat his lunch out there."

She sent this a little bit later saying, "The garbage truck has been taken apart!! It is now a corn chopper.  Notice the rows of corn."

Even Michelle got to ride the bus there and spend the night!  My brought us dinner so we didn't have to bother trying to come up with something.  Thank you a ton mom!  I started feeling quite a bit better by the evening!

Friday

My cutie putie in his favorite Mario jammies that are getting way to small

Dinner out at Bob's

Visiting Carter

Jordan loves to talk to Carter when we visit. We love you Carter and think about you everyday.  I can't wait til I can hold you again.